As the burger battle was raging, we tried, best we could, to preserve the anonymity of our judges. But now, we throw off our grease-stained veil, and reveal a little about the tasters. One judge even set his burger bio to iambic pentameter.
Preston “Animal Style” Jones
Ideal burger: Cooked to order, topped with something flavorful (onion-bacon jam, anyone?) and make sure that cheese is melted real nice.
Motto: A little bacon never hurt anyone.
Heather “Hold the Onions” Svokos
Ideal burger: Dripping ever so gently with juices, pink inside, crispy-seared edges outside, well-cheesed and a bun that’s like a TempurPedic mattress — simultaneously soft and firm.
Burger motto: A burger should be like Theresa Caputo: a medium with personality.
Robert “All the Way” Philpot
Ideal burger: Green-chile cheeseburger where the chiles have that perfect balance of flavor and heat, accompanied by lots of cheese. (He’s reformed from “Burger that can be eaten most easily while driving.”)
Burger motto: Are you finished with those fries?
Malcolm “Mad Cow” Mayhew
“Hooray for gourmet, said this burger judge.
One topped with arugula, I won’t begrudge.
But give me firm buns and medium-rare meat.
Some salt, some pepper, and now I shall eat.”
Rick “Burger Boss” Press
Ideal burger: Big, juicy with complex flavors and the soul of a backyard burger. And bacon. Lots of bacon.
Burger motto: I still believe in love at first bite.
Nick “Burger Boo-Boo Child” Dean
Ideal burger: Guacamole, bacon and Swiss. The patty should drip with enough grease for me to know it’s bad for me, but not so much that it forces onlookers to stare.
Burger motto: I hear they make burgers outside of Texas, but I don’t believe it.
Bud “No Cheese” Kennedy
Ideal burger: A double sauteed in Worcestershire with black pepper, mustard, tomato, lettuce and pickles, but please no cheese.
Burger motto: “Pardon me, but I thought I said no cheese.”
“Patty Cathy” Frisinger
Ideal burger: Charred on the outside, still mooing inside
Burger motto: I only eat burgers on days that end in “y.”
Steve “The Weekend Chef” Wilson
Ideal burger: I am a “Big Patty” guy, cooked medium. Cheese, bacon, mustard and diced onions is the way I burger.
Burger motto: There is no such thing as a veggie burger.