I haven't answered reader mail in awhile, and the mail bag is getting fuller than Santa's toy bag. Since this is the season of giving, I thought it only fitting I give you my patented questionable advice. As you might expect, the holiday season is toughest on single people, and I got a few questions about surviving the holidays flying solo.
As always, I issue the caveat that I'm not qualified to give advice. I don't have any training, and very little compassion. And I can't hold down a stable relationship. With that in mind, here is the holiday edition of the reader mail bag.
Dear Yme: I'm recently single, and it's kind of depressing this time of year. I really want to hook up with my ex, but I don't know if she's seeing anyone, or would even want to hang out with me. How can I safely stalk her to find out if she's as miserable as I am?
I feel you, buddy. This is the worst time of year to be single. Everyone is getting all snuggly with their significant others, and being so publicly happy. I would strongly consider forgetting your ex and finding a new seasonal fling. You can get on any number of dating websites and find someone as sad and desperate as you are. Speaking from experience, however bad you're feeling, women tend to take sentimental stuff like being alone during the holidays even harder than you and I. It's low-hanging fruit, man.
But if you must stalk, the best way to do it is online. I'm assuming she's unfriended you on Facebook. But thanks to Facebook's new features, she might not realize that she has to make her photos and posts private. If that doesn't work, you could always start a sock puppet account and friend all of her Facebook friends. Then when you request her, she'll think she knows you and just isn't remembering who you are. Don't take it too far, though. You could find yourself in Tarrant County Jail, or at the very least you won't be allowed within 100 yards of her.
Dear Yme: I have a friend who I'm romantically interested in, but she's made it very clear that she just wants to remain platonic. I figured if there was any time of year to get her to see me as anything other than a buddy, it would be now. Should I buy her a romantic Christmas present? If so, what?
Put your wallet away, my friend. Absolutely do not spend a ton of money on her. The best thing you could do to persuade her that you could be more than friends is to make or get her something sentimental, like a friend collage with a bunch of picture of the two of you or something (lame) like that. Make sure you've plied her with plenty of eggnog before you give it to her. That's crucial.
With her defenses down and a tear in her eye, make your move. Tell her something along the lines of, "I just want you to remember how much you mean to me." Women eat that sort of stuff up.
Best of luck,