Y Me?: Annoyingly in love online

Posted 10:08am on Wednesday, Jun. 27, 2012

I was recently scrolling down my Facebook feed, and felt the sudden urge to vomit all over my keyboard.

No, I didn't see a photo of some Wal-Mart shopper's camel toe, it was all of the i-PDA that turned my stomach -- those digital world public displays of affection. I think it's great that so many of my online friends have found someone with whom to couple, but I don't think it bodes well for the future of a relationship, if the two people are so insecure they have to constantly and publicly affirm their passion for one another.

I do appreciate the voyeurism of social networking, but I'm finding out fast that I have a lot of annoying Facebook friends. There's nothing more annoying than two people in love, posting sweet nothings on the other's wall. Why is posting such things a sure sign of insecurity? Because if Guy A wanted to tell Lady B how great she is, then theoretically all he'd have to do is tell her in person, over the phone or via text message. The fact that he's doing it on her Facebook wall means he's declaring it publicly -- which is the Facebook version of marking his territory.

The main motivation behind it is to make other people jealous. The reason it rings false to me is because it always feels like the lovers are trying to convince themselves that they believe all of the things they are posting, like they're more method actors than lovebirds. If they really did care for one another as much as they say in Facebook posts, they wouldn't need to reinforce those feelings with constant public declarations.

They'd do that in private, secure in the idea that the one knows how the other feels.

I was going through my feed, and I found a few gems that I thought I'd reinterpret. Names have been omitted to protect the obnoxious.

What they said : "If I was any more in love with you I'd explode! I still can't believe how lucky I am to have found you."

What they meant: "I can't be happy if you're all not looking at me."

What they said: "I have the best husband in the world! I can't believe how lucky I am to get to wake up next to you every day!"

What they meant: "I'm stuck with you, but if I can convince all of my friends that we are a model couple, at least I'll get to feed off their jealousy."

What they said: "A night in with the handsomest man on the planet! I can't wait to get that grill going, and watch a movie with my sweetie."

What they meant: "We never go out, and I'm tired of tasting the bitter charring of my man's unwashed grill."

Anyone who has any remote contact with Facebook is constantly being beaten down by pictures of kids, those narcissistic cellphone mirror shots and all kinds of other stuff. But the people who post about how lucky they are in love are the ones I hide. It's not that I'm not happy for them, it's just that I don't believe they are going to last. And the only thing worse than lovey-dovey posts are the sad posts that follow the inevitable breakup of couples who engage in i-PDA.

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