Y Me: Just one decent man

Posted 10:28am on Wednesday, May. 09, 2012

It has been awhile since I've dipped into the mailbag, so I thought I'd roll up my sleeves and misguide a couple of readers.

Completely Clueless is trying awfully hard to find a guy after recently ending a relationship.

Dear Y Me,

I just ended a pretty serious relationship and am looking to date around and meet some fun, interesting dudes. The problem is that I have no idea how I'm supposed to meet cute, normal, non-pervy guys who actually have jobs and no criminal records. All my friends keep giving me ridiculous and conflicting advice on how to pick up guys (mostly at bars), none of which seems to attract quality dudes.

One friend told me to just stand alone at a bar and look really bored while I wait for someone to approach. Another told me to approach guys and tell them I've never had alcohol before, and then ask if the beer I ordered was a good choice. A different (slutty) friend advised me to go in for the kill and just start gyrating all over cute guys in hopes that they will A) be normal and B) fall deeply in love with my sweet dance moves.

So far, I have met some real characters using my friends' advice -- lots of unemployed dudes, a guy who immediately invited me over for pork chops (euphemism?), a dude who won't stop texting me winky faces all day and a guy who got super-drunk and destroyed the bathroom in a nice restaurant on our first date. Clearly, whatever I'm doing is not working.

Y Me, please tell me what a fun, cute 20-something girl is supposed to do to attract nice, funny, normal dates!

Signed,

Completely Clueless

Dear Completely Clueless,

It sounds as if you've been getting some bad advice from your friends, and that's my job. First, your standards sound pretty lofty: "cute, normal, non-pervy guys who actually have jobs and no criminal records." You might find three out of those five qualities in a guy, and I've yet to meet one who isn't at least a little pervy. You'd be well served to lower the bar a little.

As for your techniques, they all sound like great ways to get laid (depending on how sweet your dance moves are), but I don't think they're going to help you meet Mr. Right. What you need are a few platonic male friends. Don't (and this is very important) sleep with them -- because they will try. Just establish yourself as a buddy and trusted confidant. Guys know other guys, who know other guys, and you'll meet them all. If you play your cards right, you will have your choice of quality, vetted fellas to choose from, and the added satisfaction of making your guy friends jealous. (It's also important that you have no more than a couple of guy friends. If you have too many, it makes you look like you're building a following.)

If that doesn't work, look up that guy who blew up the bathroom. At least he took you to a nice restaurant. Does this slutty friend of yours have a phone number?

Signed,

Y Me

Sasha's husband is committing one of the cardinals sins of a relationship: commenting on his partner's weight.

Dear Y Me,

Why does my husband comment on the extra weight I gained recently (5 pounds)? Does he not realize that when he points out negative issues like weight gain, I lose interest in trying to maintain the proper weight? I tell him this, but to no avail. Help me, please. What do I say, or not say, to resolve this painful issue?

Signed,

Sasha

Dear Sasha,

My answer to your question depends on how he is "commenting" on your weight gain, and whether or not he is holding himself to the same health standards. I think he'd have a legitimate gripe if you were just letting yourself go, and he was concerned for your health. Guys who take care of themselves may also see a woman's significant weight gain as a lack of commitment.

But since you've only gained 5 pounds, it's more likely that he's just being manipulative, controlling and insensitive. A considerate guy would never bring up a woman's slight weight gain. That creates a ripple effect in a woman's psyche that could lead to depression, or an eating disorder, or worse. He may think his comments will motivate you, but they are more likely to have the opposite effect, and to make you not want to do anything about it. That will just lead to a power struggle nobody really wins.

Try telling your husband that what he's saying hurts you, and that you're very sensitive about it. Do a physical activity together, like riding bikes, taking tennis lessons or signing up for a 10K run. If he's serious about your health and weight, he'll jump at the chance to get healthy with you.

A lot of couples gain weight once they've settled into a routine. Try spicing things thing up a little. Plan a road trip, take a dance class or whatever. Just don't allow yourself to stay in the same rut.

Don't allow him to make you feel bad about yourself. There's always a chance that you might have married an insecure jerk. In which case, there's no fixing this problem until he fixes himself. He may need a therapist's couch.

Signed,

Y Me


Got a question for Y Me? Or a slutty friend’s number? Shoot him an e-mail at dating@dfw.com, or find him on Facebook and Twitter.

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