I've maintained from the outset of this column that I'm not qualified to give advice on relationships. That being said, it's what I do every week. I'm just a normal (neurotic) guy, trying to share my thoughts (jaded world view) on how to build an honest (I advocate lying), lasting (all of my relationships fail) relationship, with someone you care about (want to have sex with). In that spirit, I thought I'd answer a couple of questions sent by readers.
Dear Yme?: Why do women always say they want a nice, honest, faithful, dependable man as a mate, but then they treat those kinds of guys like doormats and go for the jerk instead? I'm not a jerk. Should I pretend to be a jerk to fascinate the opposite sex? And is it psychically dangerous to go around pretending to be a jerk just to get laid?
Signed, Nice Guys Finish Last, 52, Fort Worth
Dear Nice Guys Finish Last,
You've touched on an age-old question: Do women prefer jerks over nice guys?
Women like confidence, and I think that accounts for the initial attraction. The reason women stay with jerks is because, at their hearts, women are caretakers and healers, and they want to be the one to "fix" a guy. This is, of course, a stupid idea, since most jerk-guys are also master manipulators and their confidence comes from a very insecure place.
The idea that you are just a hapless sweetheart is probably a myth. Chances are, you don't want to risk being rejected. Jerks don't care about rejection -- as I've elaborated in past columns, it's a numbers game to them.
To answer the second part of your question, yes, it is a dangerous game to pretend to be a jerk just to get laid. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't create a character, I just think that character should be a more confident version of yourself, not a jerk.
Women are more likely to fall for a guy who pursues them, not the wallflower who can't drum up a little machismo. Take a long, hard look in the mirror, and take some responsibility for your own happiness. And stop blaming women for being women.
Dear Yme?: My boyfriend and his friends always joke around, and act like homosexuals. Sometimes, after a few drinks, I think they take it way too far. Is this normal behavior? And how can I put a stop to it?
Signed, Not What I Signed Up For, 23, Fort Worth
Dear Not What I Signed Up For,
There are a lot of possible explanations for that behavior. I don't think they are gay, but I also don't believe that sexuality is that black and white. I think it's a sliding scale. Maybe they are just too scared to confront their own sexual identities and compensate by acting stereotypically homosexual. This kind of behavior is offensive and juvenile. I think it's perfectly normal for them to explore their sexual identities, but they should do it without marginalizing gay people.
I don't know that there's a way to stop it, but I would certainly let them know you find it offensive. Maybe they'll grow out of it. Maybe they'll just give in to their urges and end up in a pile of man-flesh. The best thing you can do is be open about it, and try to start an honest dialogue. And if you really have questions as to which team your boyfriend bats for, try buying a sex toy and offer to give him what he seems to want. You'll find out a lot about him.
Have a question for Y Me? Shoot him an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.