Ask Y Me?: Defusing a deadly blast from the past

Posted 8:50am on Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2012

I should know better than to get comfortable with the idea of going out with a nice, normal woman. Regular readers of this column know that I've met such a girl, and we recently went out on our second date -- which I'll tell you all about another time. But the day after my big second date, I got a very disconcerting phone call from an ex-girlfriend.

This wasn't just any ex-girlfriend, it was a woman I dated off-and-on for a couple of years named Kathryn. She pretty much strung me along as her reliable plan B, until I grew some cojones and broke things off.

Kathryn was constantly searching for a sugar daddy. I shudder to think at all of the loose-hanging, wrinkly skin and tufts of gray chest hair she has laid underneath in that pursuit. Needless to say, I didn't fit her criteria for husband material (I drive a Hyundai). But, when one of her gross, old men would use her for sex and cast her off, she'd crawl back to me -- and I'd let her, because she's super-hot, and I had self-esteem issues.

When I saw her name of my caller I.D., the hair on my arms stood on end. I debated not answering, but I really wanted to rub in the fact that I'm sort of a well-adjusted adult (That's very debatable.) in her face. As it turns out, she has moved back to the area and wanted to catch up. In other words, she wanted to get the backup band back together.

After speaking to her on the phone for awhile, we agreed to meet when my schedule calms down. When our conversation was over, she sent me a picture of herself smiling, with the message, "look how happy you've made me."

She's still super-hot. And super-manipulative.

Seven or eight years ago, I would have come running back to her, like an excited lap dog. Now, I feel like I hold the cards. I know a lot of people who go back and forth with their exes. Now that I'm in a position to give advice on the matter to others, I usually warn against it -- especially if the original relationship was as one-sided as Kathryn's and mine. And it's not like it was a healthy relationship that I remember fondly.

I think her biggest problem is that she was the victim of her own bogus timeline. She was supposed to have been married by 25, and on her third kid by now. She had a chameleon personality -- able to change who she was, based on who she was with -- and never had anything nice to say about anyone.

If a reader were to ask me what to do in my situation, there is no doubt I'd tell him not to see her. I'd suggest that the sort of person who continually goes back to a manipulative, controlling ex-partner, needs to seriously take stock of their self worth.

But did I mention she was hot? Like, really hot?

I don't know what her intentions are, and frankly I don't care ... unless her intentions are to have casual sex. I might meet her for coffee or drinks or something. I've no interest in rekindling the flame, but I might be in the market for a reliable plan B.

So here's the challenge. It's time for you to play dating advice columnist and tell me what you think I should do. Shoot me an e-mail at or post your comments online. And be gentle.

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