I'm a very bad Jew. So bad, in fact, that I don't really consider myself to be Jewish anymore. The only reason I ever did is because my mother's side of the family is Jewish, and it seemed to think that it was important I identify myself as such. Truth to be told, the last time I stepped foot inside a synagogue was about 10 years ago, when I was working for a catering company that was hired for a bar mitzvah. I wasn't exactly raised Jewish, either -- though my mohel was having a half-off sale when I was circumcised (that's right, penis and Jewish jokes. It's that kind of party).
I've always liked Jewish girls, though. So, I thought I'd try to make my mother proud-ish and bring one home -- though at this point my mother wouldn't care if I brought home a Chinese panda, as long as it produced grandchildren. I wasn't about to go to a synagogue or a religious service to meet a Jewlicious lady (I think my skin might burn if I walk into a house of God), so I did what any modern lazy guy would do: I turned to the Internet.
JDate.com is like a bottomless Jewish girl buffet -- a regular cyber yenta. The interface is a little tough to get used to, if you've been on Match.com or eHarmony, but it's pretty intuitive and has a lot of unique touches. JDate does employ the same deck-of-cards theory as the others: You fill out your information, and it picks girls who match your interests. Then you sort through the girls like baseball cards. The biggest difference in the profiles is that there is, predictably, an emphasis on your religion and the role it plays in your life.
One thing that stood out to me during the registration process is the fact that non-Jews are allowed to join. I mean, I thought this was supposed to be exclusive. I feel like I have a competitive edge compared to most other Jewish guys (the pool is so much smaller, and I don't have a unibrow), but they're just letting anybody sign up. If I have to rely on my good looks and charm, I am just as screwed as I would be on any other site. Luckily, I didn't see any posers among the many profiles I stalked.
There is a two-part optional personality test you can take, and then you're assigned a color that tells others what type of person you are. I find these things to be very lame, and they usually give all the insight of a fortune cookie. But for the sake of this column, I took it. The first section is a 30-part word cluster that lists four words, and for each set you're supposed to choose the trait that best describes how you behaved as a child. (Freud was Jewish, wasn't he?) For example, it lists the words: "jealous, reluctant, argumentative and obnoxious," and you pick one. I picked obnoxious -- a trait that still holds true.
Section two consisted of 15 situations with four possible reactions to each. My favorite was: "In my youth, I was most often criticized for being: A) Directionless, unenthusiastic, and/or boring; B) Overly sensitive, moody, and/or jealous; C) Disruptive, uncommitted, and/or disorganized; or D) Argumentative, bossy, and/or tactless." I chose C, in case you were wondering.
According to JDate, my color is yellow, which means I am among "the fun-lovers," or people who enjoy the moment. That sounds just like me. It sounds just like most people, too. A graph on the site told me that 47 percent of people on JDate are yellow. So, I'm in good company.
I've got one girl interested in me already. So, I'm ready to find my bubbeleh. I'll keep looking for non-Jewish girls, too. I'm casting a pretty wide net, and willing to just wait and see which side the dreidel lands on.