Y me?: Drunk-dialing always leads to a bad connection

Posted 5:35am on Wednesday, Nov. 16, 2011

If there's one thing guys love, it's an obsessive woman. Ladies, if you really want to hold on to your man and show him how much he means to you, it's a good idea to constantly call or text him. And when you are together, be sure to interrogate him about every second he spends away from you. Also, stalk him on Facebook and Twitter.

If your sarcasm meter is broken, none of the preceding is true. Guys will tolerate a lot, especially if there's even the most remote prospect of sex being dangled before us (we're shallow like that). But, I think I can safely speak for most guys -- and women, for that matter -- when I assert that the No. 1 thing that scares people away is obsessive behavior.

The trick is to hide your craziness. If you can't, you won't get very far in a relationship.

Take for example a woman I met on Match.com. Under the influence of too much vino, she thought it would be a good idea to drunk-dial me the night before our date. From her slurry ramble, I picked out that she was nervous about meeting me and couldn't sleep as a result. A lot of us have drunk-dialed or drunk-texted before, but I imagine very few have done it to someone we've never met.

The woman, who shall remain nameless, made two crucial mistakes: For one, she had convinced herself I was perfect for her, based on an Internet profile. Honestly, my Match.com profile is reasonably representative, but it's more like me at my best. I'm not always the well-dressed quip machine I appear to be on the Internet. I'm not always at parties or playing tennis, or doing the things I'm pictured doing on that site. I imagine she got carried away romanticizing all of the pictures someone would be taking of us, and the fun things we'd be doing.

Second, she forgot she was neck-deep in the crazy pool. On the phone, she repeatedly said she "couldn't believe" she'd called me, and she "almost didn't." She should have trusted her instincts. The rest of the conversation was me playing therapist and trying to convince her she was perfectly normal and destined to find someone. In other words, I had the decency to lie.

The truth is, at that moment, I was just looking for a way out of the conversation.

"But you're so great and funny," she kept saying, which kept me on the phone a little longer. (I'm a sucker for a compliment, even one from a drunken banshee).

On paper, this woman was great. But it only took a couple of glasses of chardonnay to crank the handle on her jack-in-the-box, and out popped a loon who couldn't help herself, and worse, couldn't hold her liquor. I'm a firm believer that we're all a little (or a lot) neurotic, and we're just looking for someone who complements our particular kind of craziness. An obsessive person might be attracted to a mellow-type who balances him/her out. Or an introvert may want another introvert, so they have someone to enjoy doing nothing with and never talking.

The important thing is to hide who you really are, until the person you like grudgingly accepts your quirks. Then, feel free to shake the crazy bottle up and spray it in their face.

Got a question for Y Me? Or want to offer some dating advice? E-mail him at dating@dfw.com.

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