Today we introduce a new column, called Y Me? Appearing weekly, it will be a single man's journey through the bumpy but often hilarious sea of dating in DFW.
Let's be clear on something right off the bat: I am not qualified to give advice on anything, let alone something that matters, like relationships. The few relationships that I've managed to hold down for more than several months usually end in smoldering piles of sadness and regret. I don't have any counseling credentials, I've never attended so much as a workshop on how to make a love connection, and I don't watch, read or listen to anyone who has.
What I am is a neurotic, drunken, selfish 30-something whose love-life is a consummate punch line to everyone who knows me. You should not follow my advice, though I will be doling it out like Halloween candy to a fat diabetic kid -- take it at your own risk.
My forecast isn't all gloomy. I've got some things working for me. I'm a nice guy -- to a fault, sometimes. I'm educated, thoughtful and I work out regularly. And for those with a nice low bar, I have a job and a car. I'm also a great date, so I'm told. And I should know. Having gone on at least two dates a month for the better part of four or five months, I've had plenty of practice on what not to do. (Maybe I'm more qualified than I thought.)
I am genuinely interested in finding someone special, and I've watched enough sitcoms and romantic comedies to reinforce the idea that I will, one day. I've gone to great lengths to make it happen, too. I'm on Match.com, and that's turned about to be another sordid, uncomfortable chapter in my dating tragic-comedy. I've done speed-dating, been set up on blind dates, and a variety of other desperate measures.
You, the reader, get to accompany me on my wild journey through the awkward encounters and crippling loneliness that this fine publication has seen fit to exploit. I'll give you some fun anecdotes, great places in DFW to take dates, surefire techniques on how to alienate someone you like, advice, "real" talk from a mostly honest guy, answer your questions and I'll even occasionally allow my dates to write about their impressions of me. (Names may be changed to protect the innocent).
This is, in a sick sort of way, supposed to be fun for you -- and one in a grocery list of reasons that I probably won't find someone serious any time soon.
So that's what you can expect out of this column. If you're looking for real advice, go somewhere else. If you want to see a train wreck in slow motion ... strap in. I'm jumping every shark in the ocean, just to entertain you.
If you'd like to be a part of this mess, shoot me an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org, and we'll see if your name can't be included in the long line of women who laugh at the mention of my name. Who knows where this might lead? You might actually learn something. Or, I might even be the right guy for you, especially if you're into crying and apologizing.