Q A few days ago while I was online an ex-boyfriend from high school came out of the woodwork on Facebook. I'd actually forgotten that we were FB friends, but whatever. We had a relationship that was pretty serious by high school standards, but we eventually drifted apart and our lives took very different paths. So it was a big surprise to hear from him via chat, and even more when he told me he's been secretly in love with me for years. It was very, very awkward, and I had no idea what to say. I told him I was seeing someone (a lie) but it didn't seem to bother him and now he wants to talk on the phone, to personally tell me some things he's "had on his mind."
While I'm curious what he has to say, I found the whole thing kind of creepy. What should I do at this point?
-- Flummoxed by Facebook
AThese days it takes a Ph.D. to figure out all those privacy settings on Facebook. But do yourself a favor by wrangling your way through the defriend function and be done with it. He won't receive any notification or update about your digital dis, and he'll be none the wiser until he tries to contact you again. (And I really hope you deferred on giving him your phone number.) Yeah, that realization might piss him off a bit, but the alternative is to suffer through another icky chat/confession/conversation when, really, you have no intention of even an online connection with this guy.
Q I have been dating someone whose divorce will be finalized next month. They have been separated and living apart for almost two years and have one small child, who stays with my guy's ex. He's barely dated since their split, and we started off as friends but gradually became romantic. The reason for the divorce was mutual. I don't know all the details, but I know it was devastating for him (as any divorce is) and he's been slow in getting back on the dating scene. He seems really into me but also a little hesitant at the same time.
So my questions for you: Even though someone seems to be over their divorce, will he have a freak-out on the actual court date, which happens in about a month? Is it appropriate for me to offer to take him out that night and cheer him up with a night on the town?
-- Divorce Dilemma
AHold your horses on a paper-signing celebration. Your fellow sounds pretty mellow, and I'm not sure a big night out, as well-intentioned as you seem, would turn out that well. In fact, I'd go ahead and make plans with girlfriends that night and tell him you want to give him some privacy. It's a win-win for you: If he does freak out, you won't be there to see it and second-guess the good thing you have going; and it continues to establish you as understanding, courteous and confident.
For some people, signing divorce papers is just a formality, and for others, it can be terribly upsetting. Keep in mind, though, that even if he does fall into the latter, you shouldn't have your own freak-out wondering whether he's really over his soon-will-be-ex-wife. They've been separated for two years, after all, and sometimes the sense of loss from the thing itself, a (presumably) once-happy union, can be more acute than the figurative loss of a person.
Seems to me that things -- with him and his divorce, and between you and him -- are on the right track in a train chugging smoothly, although slowly, forward. Don't derail anything with unwarranted obsessing.