Q I feel like a complete d-bag even writing about this, but I think my girlfriend might be addicted to her battery-operated buddy. We bought it together as a fun thing to add to our bag of tricks in the sack, which still is pretty tame I have to say, and it was great for a while. But now it seems like she doesn't even need me anymore. She doesn't initiate sex like she used to, and when we do it, she always wants to bring that thing into bed with us. I feel like I've created a monster. How can I get things back to normal, or at least like I'm not being replaced by her vibrator?
-- Not Buzzed About This
AAt the risk of sounding like a raging feminazi, sometimes I can't help feeling sorry for straight males in modern-day society. Women have their own earning potential, have children on their own and even have a multimillion dollar industry catering to getting them off solo.
However, that doesn't mean we should regularly cast aside well-meaning -- and, hopefully, well-performing -- boyfriends or husbands in favor of our buzzy little friends. Vibrators should be a nice complement to sex with a regular human being, especially one you're in a relationship with, not a replacement for it. Problem is, your gal has gotten so used to the feel of the vibrator that, in a sense, she has gotten addicted to it. If she doesn't take a break and get used to the more natural feel of fingers and/or a tongue again, this could spell real trouble down the road, both for her, you, your shared sex life and sanities. It's no different than men who can't relate to real women, or their bodies, because of all the porn they gobble up.
So insist that she take a break from the vibrator, not by saying you feel like you're being replaced, but that sometimes you prefer battery-less sex. And why not add a bit more intensity to your own moves? Ravage her when you walk in the door from work one day. Pull her hair just a tad. Grab her hips and switch positions. For me, and lots of women I know, it's supremely hot when your man takes the sexual reins.
And don't think of it as competing with a piece of plastic -- rather, it's a good way to up your own game.
Ultimately, though, she needs to remember that she's in a relationship with you, not her vibrator. If she can't hit the off switch on occasion for the sake of your well-being, then maybe the batteries are dead between you.
Q I finally have met a boy that I think I might like and I am not sure how to read his signals -- or actually his nonsignals. When we are together we have a great time: good conversation, lots of laughing and incredible chemistry. But when we aren't together there is nothing -- no cute texts or e-mails, no phone calls and no plans being made in advance. It's pretty early on and he is five years younger than me. I am trying to figure out if he is just being a boy and playing it cool, or if he just isn't really into me.
-- Looking for Smoke Signals
A Next to the infinitely infuriating, and confounding, Disappearing Act, which happens when someone you've developed a certain amount of intimacy with just fades into black, deciphering mixed signals is one of the suckiest downsides of dating.
Still, there are three key words from your letter that might be reason to not despair just yet: It's still early. Plans might not be made in advance, but plans are being made -- I hope by the both of you. Why not just see where it goes? (But I would say try to resist sleeping with him until things are on more solid ground.)
And, you have to admit, doesn't all this guessing and wondering ratchet up the excitement of it all? For better or worse, uncertainty comes with the territory of dating. Sometimes just going with things, instead of going nuts trying to figure them out, makes it a tad less stressful -- and you tons more attractive.